In Defense of My Tipple

I thoroughly enjoy hand-crafted, full bodied micro-brews.  Delicious!  And who wouldn't want to imbibe beer that was brewed by Trappist monks in a deep, dank cave from a recipe passed down by Jesus?!  Sign me the eff up!  But there be a Recession on and that shiz is expensive.  Not only that, but these beers are usually crammed with so much sugar that, if I enjoy too many over the course of a few weeks, I tend to get a little hippy. 

So, until I'm on better financial footing - and to avoid unwanted ass swell -  it's going to be Miller Lite  - or any other Huge Brewery Conglomerate Lite - for this guy.  It's cheap, it's everywhere and, if you concentrate just a bit, it offers something resembling taste.

However, an occasional annoyance that accompanies this choice is THAT ONE GUY at the bar who loves - when I've just ordered a Miller Lite - I mean just loooves to declare that "Light beer is not real beer."

Seriously?!  Really, THAT ONE GUY?!  Did I just order a 1961 Bordeaux? No.  But it's not like I called for a pint of warm spit and Hoisin sauce either.  Your Sierra Rogue Dead Hat I Only Like Bands You Never Heard Of Ale costs like 6.75 a pint and I'm pullin' Millies for 2.50.  Fiscal prudence takes the day!

It always perplexes me.  THAT ONE GUY, and those of his ilk, really get uppity when it comes to beer.  I'm certain he fancies himself a bit of an armchair oenophile too!  (I'm loathe to think what he would say to my wine selection theorem: bottle of anything red + under eight dollars = Justin's mood elevated squared.)

And what if we weren't dealing with alcohol at all?  Were I into heavy drugs - and I'm talkin' like The Wire heavy - I bet I'd be in some derelict apartment building ready to blaze my pipe only to hear "Covington Thunder isn't real crack!"  THAT ONE GUY is everywhere.

What really sticks is that I'm not ordering for him.  I'm not putting barrel to ear and forcing him to drink a Silver Bullet lest he wants one to pass through his temporal lobe.  No.  I'm simply choosing to enjoy a brew that has no time for pretense or cask aging.  Want it cheap, cold, crisp, yellow and, yep, light. Don't want it to taste berry.  I want it to taste beery.  I don't want it to have a nose, notes or hints.  I want it to have seven more close by and just like it.

Sic Semper Tyrannis!!! 

 

Letter To Jesus Regarding Facebook

Dear Jesus, 

What up?!  I'm fine.  I'm still unemployed, but - and like I prayed to you last night - I don't blame you.  That would be way uncool and completely uncalled for.  You had nothing to do with the real estate collapse. Or did you?!  Ha!  I'm just kidding.

Hey, listen.  I was trying to find you today on Facebook to send you a Friend Request but I'm not sure which profile is really, really yours.  See, if I just do a search for "Jesus" over thousands of profiles come up but most of 'em are Hispanic dudes.  If I search "Jesus Christ" then, yeah, there are a bunch claiming to be you but I've no idea which one is the real deal.

Now that I mentioned that, are you even really on Facebook?  If you're not, dude, you should be.  It.  Is.  Awesome!  It took me forever to join up, but I'm glad I did.  I was skeptical at first because I thought it was just a conduit for d-bag frat guys to hook up with sorority girls with low self-esteem.  I mean, that totally happens, but it's so much more!  You get to find and correspond with people you've not heard from in ages.  I'm still relatively young so the numbers aren't that great for me, but for you?!  I'm sure you'd connect with people you haven't heard from in centuries!  Your Friends list would be huge!  It would slaughter Joel Osteen's.

What else?  Oh, all of your Friends can check out your Info page and what you've been up to lately.  You can list your favorite quotes - I'm sure you'd list your own! LOL! - list your favorite books, movies, where you went to school and where you're employed.  You could just totally make crap up and everyone would believe you.  Say you're currently a stuntman!!  I won't tell anybody, I swear.

Dude, and Groups!  You totally started the original group, right?   Okay!  This is like the same thing.  See, how are you not on this already?!

I almost forgot Photos!  Yeah, you can put some effin' photos up there.  Make 'em cool shots too.  Everybody has seen the old stuff.  Where have you vacationed lately?  Anyone throw you a surprise birthday party in the last few years?  You get the idea.  Make 'em current.  None with you holding a lamb or talking to children.  We've seen those. 

That's it, man.  Let me know how to find you on there.  If you're using a different name or middle initial or whatever.  It'll be great.  So much easier to get you than praying.

We out - 

Justin