Letter To Jesus Regarding Facebook

Dear Jesus, 

What up?!  I'm fine.  I'm still unemployed, but - and like I prayed to you last night - I don't blame you.  That would be way uncool and completely uncalled for.  You had nothing to do with the real estate collapse. Or did you?!  Ha!  I'm just kidding.

Hey, listen.  I was trying to find you today on Facebook to send you a Friend Request but I'm not sure which profile is really, really yours.  See, if I just do a search for "Jesus" over thousands of profiles come up but most of 'em are Hispanic dudes.  If I search "Jesus Christ" then, yeah, there are a bunch claiming to be you but I've no idea which one is the real deal.

Now that I mentioned that, are you even really on Facebook?  If you're not, dude, you should be.  It.  Is.  Awesome!  It took me forever to join up, but I'm glad I did.  I was skeptical at first because I thought it was just a conduit for d-bag frat guys to hook up with sorority girls with low self-esteem.  I mean, that totally happens, but it's so much more!  You get to find and correspond with people you've not heard from in ages.  I'm still relatively young so the numbers aren't that great for me, but for you?!  I'm sure you'd connect with people you haven't heard from in centuries!  Your Friends list would be huge!  It would slaughter Joel Osteen's.

What else?  Oh, all of your Friends can check out your Info page and what you've been up to lately.  You can list your favorite quotes - I'm sure you'd list your own! LOL! - list your favorite books, movies, where you went to school and where you're employed.  You could just totally make crap up and everyone would believe you.  Say you're currently a stuntman!!  I won't tell anybody, I swear.

Dude, and Groups!  You totally started the original group, right?   Okay!  This is like the same thing.  See, how are you not on this already?!

I almost forgot Photos!  Yeah, you can put some effin' photos up there.  Make 'em cool shots too.  Everybody has seen the old stuff.  Where have you vacationed lately?  Anyone throw you a surprise birthday party in the last few years?  You get the idea.  Make 'em current.  None with you holding a lamb or talking to children.  We've seen those. 

That's it, man.  Let me know how to find you on there.  If you're using a different name or middle initial or whatever.  It'll be great.  So much easier to get you than praying.

We out - 

Justin